http://www.the-jmcc.org/lace-slab/
Please critique my poem before I submit it to a critical poetry workshop (:?
It's my first revision of an old free verse poem, to be posted in one of the 'general' forums, I'm hoping to improve it enough to post in intermediate-level, which will take work. Lots of work :/
Please let me know what you think, or if I could improve on anything!
Rainbows In Oil (v2)
It was pigment-splashed and black,
carelessly spilled, laced with mystery
and pooling on the asphalt strip.
Spectrum arcs are born
in the sky. But here, now,
swollen clouds have spritzed down,
in each droplet, a rainbow
to decorate this wanting sulphur slab.
So what of those kaleidoscopic tricksters,
taunting us from azure unknowns?
Hunters of mirage, we always return
with snares empty, and collages
complete with foggy photographs.
What of the imperfect prisms that do, indeed
refract cloudily
and perhaps less vibrantly,
still shimmering in the slick, black muck?
spritzed down seems a strange expression to use for rain.
'wanting' - would 'waiting' be better?
What is a 'sulphur slab'? - the pavement?
....let's stop here. My thoughts are that you have far too many metaphors, and although it is good that you have avoided cliches you seem to be straining too hard to call something other than what it is, your choices sound like 'scientific journalese'
My advise? Simplify your poetry. Describe what you see (using your normal vocabulary)
For me your best bit is 'Hunters of mirage.......photographs' this is simple, unique to you, and says something interesting about us - that we are always searching for the unobtainable, and find ourselves often with just 'foggy photographs'
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